No. 4, The Intimidator
As I continue to break in the new vag I’m required to dilate, several times per day, with Nos. 2, 3, and 4, for the next few months
Eventually I’ll only have to dilate once per week, for 15 minutes, with just number 4.
The problem with number 4 is that it’s about the size of a freight train and when I first moved up to it, on Monday, it literally put tears in my eyes.
I’ve adjusted to it, since then, and have found that wetting it makes it a lot easier to insert.
I know, right?
I just use a cup of water, though.
Annie and I were at the supermarket, today, buying salad stuff. When she picked up a cucumber:
Chelle: That’s a lot of man, right there.
Annie: Out of my league, that’s for sure— but wouldn’t be any problem for you.
Chelle: Not after using #4.
As I’ve said many times before— we’re not your typical couple.
Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that. In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely.”
— Abercrombie & Fitch CEO, Mike Jeffries, in an interview with Salon’s website in 2006. Don’t you just hate him?
Tonight’s Dinner— $4 Worth Of Meat
We brought our electric grill back from the beach place, that we sold, because it seems like we’re always running out of propane for our gas grill.
Thanks to the lava rocks and the hot fat that flashes off of them— for lots of great taste infusing smoke— the meat turns out just as good, although the cooking technique is slightly different than when cooking with gas.
I bought a whole smoked pork picnic— basically a “ham” from the front shoulder— for 99¢/lbs and had the butcher slice it into steaks.
The boneless, skinless chicken breasts were $1.99/lbs, at Walmart— and I sliced each one into two thinner 4oz cutlets.
Say what you want about Walmart, but it’s the only place to buy b/s chicken breasts. (Although all their other meat is sky high.)
I love cooking tasty, healthy meals on a budget and since everything on that grill cost just $4 and will provide multiple meals— I’d say it qualifies.
Even though Jack Daniels No. 7 is my favorite low cal bbq sauce (22-1/2 calories/tbsp), I found Kraft Hickory Smoke bbq sauce for only $1.25/bottle and discovered that it’s nearly as good and has the same number of calories. So that’s what I used, tonight.
If you live in an apartment that doesn’t allow open-flame grills, on the balcony, you might want to consider an electric grill, instead.
And watch for the good sales!
I Can Fold My Ear Into Itself…
…and it will stay there.
But it only works on my right ear.
Yes, I have insomnia and yes I’m bored, as usual.
BTW— that is NOT gray hair near my ear. They’re “natural platinum highlights.”
It’s easily confused with gray hair because that’s what it would be called on anyone else.
I’m going to be a guest speaker (via Skype) for a college class, next week, and they’ve been pointed toward my blog to get a preview of who I am.
This post makes a good first impression, don’t you think?
One last thing— I can make my ear pop back out just by moving my lower jaw to the left.
Don’t try this at home, folks. I’m a trained professional.
That concludes tonight’s freak show.
Three For Thursday
1) Baby back ribs were on sale for $2.99/lbs so I slow cooked some in the crock pot with some smoky bbq sauce. The bones pulled out perfectly clean without the meat being mushy. I’ll call that perfect. I saved you some.
2) I pee’d straight today. No big deal, you say? I beg to differ. When your vajinglejangle is still in it’s break-in period and things are still a little swollen it’s anyone’s guess which direction you’re going to pee. Today, though? Straight as an arrow. A little applause would be appropriate. (Thank you. Thank you very much.)
3) In a few weeks I’ll be performing with a jazz quartet. While I’ve performed countless times on piano and electric bass this will be my first ever gig playing double bass (aka upright bass, bass fiddle, acoustic bass, string bass, etc.) It’s a very accomplished group of musicians so it should be lots of fun.
When You’re Waiting To Pull Out Onto A Road…
…and you see that a car is coming, so you wait…
…and you realize, too late, that it’s driving at half the speed limit and you missed your opportunity to pull out in front of it…
…and you get stuck behind them for 5 miles because it’s a no passing zone.
I Think It’s Less Embarrassing To Buy Condoms…
…than it is to buy pseudoephedrine.
Pseudoephedrine (Sudafed) is the only thing that clears my sinuses without giving me medicine head or making me drowsy.
And Annie and I have been popping them like breath mints, lately.
So I find myself trying to figure out how to let the girl behind the counter know that I need another box— while simultaneously assuring her that I’m not using it to make crystal meth at home.
I’m tempted to say, “Look— I’ll take a few, right now, in front of you! And you can come to my house and check it for meth…!”
But there’s a slight chance that she’d think that was weird.
So I end up looking suspicious because I’m trying not to look suspicious.
Am I the only one?
…warblers and schlock-rock.
She plays Neil Diamond night and day, for starters. And James Taylor.
“But Chelle, James Taylor is awesome!”
I used to think so. I actually loved JT— but she’s made me hate him.
You know how people say they love tequila? But then it happens— a night of way too much tequila.
And for the rest of their life they cringe when they even think about tequila.
They physically feel it in their gut, just at the thought of it.
Well, that’s what she’s done to me with JT.
What sucks is that “our song” is one by JT. (“You Can Close Your Eyes”) I suppose I still like that one. A little…
Unfortunately, she also likes Diana Ross. And Barry Manilow kind of stuff.
Think “Hall and Oates” and you’ll be in the right ballpark.
“So what do you consider to be good music?”
I would put Pink Floyd and early Genesis at the top of the list. Throw in some Yes, Def Leppard, Asia, Survivor— I guess most any ‘80’s hair band— and you’ll have me pegged pretty good. As far as individual artists I would probably put Kate Bush at the top and mix in some Peter Gabriel while I’m at it.
Annie and I have a little overlap, between us— but not much.
At least she likes Led Zeppelin.
But I have no room in my life for Kurt Bestor. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it.
So, hopefully, you now understand just how mixed our marriage is.
It’s a wonder we can even make it work.
Annie And I Have A Mixed Marriage
I like good music— and she likes the most gawdawful stuff that’s ever been recorded.
And she plays it all the time— over and over. And over.
I can hardly even think straight when it’s on.
Somebody help me. Save me. Please.
Just grab me by the legs and drag me out into the backyard where it’s quiet.
Don’t Be Scared— My Face Was Naked And I Was Wearing Yesterday’s Eye Makeup
I was on my way to get some hairs zapped off my face and didn’t bother prettifying myself.
You can tell from my facial expression that I was thinking, “Don’t you dare take my picture with me looking like this…” but my hand ignored me and snapped the pic, anyway.
Then it wrote this post and pressed “publish.”
My hand is such a b¡t©h.
You Know It’s Going To Be A Long Day…
…when you start a cup of coffee in the Keurig…
…then come back and discover that you forgot to put a cup in it to catch the coffee.
Time to try again.
Coffee. Take two.
Hug Someone. Seriously.
A little old lady once told me,
“Your hugs are the only physical human contact I ever get. And when you touch or hold my hand while we talk I would gladly listen to you all day. People touch each other less and less, these days, and it makes the world a lonelier place.”
Hugging and touching were something I had always done without any thought— but her comment made me more aware of how important touch is and how quickly we miss it once it dissappears from our lives.
I know that there are people who don’t like to be touched— but I think they’re the minority— so my advice would be to be generous with hugs.
If the person doesn’t care to be hugged you’ll know it before you even get there— and you can bail out at the last second.
For those people who *do* like to be hugged, however, you’ll make the world a better place.
Out Of Context Theater
1) I have never paid more than $13,000 for a car in my entire life— and I’ve owned a lot of nice cars. I buy cars that are about 4 years old— when the depreciation curve has flattened out and the car is worth less than half of it’s original price— and I also find superb deals and am a ruthless negotiator.
2) I’m really sore, today, from my “encounter” with dilator #4, last night. He was not very gentle.
3) One of my former employees passed away and was buried while I was out of town, last week. I hate that I missed his funeral. He was retired and would pick up his paycheck in a Lexus. I would always tell him, “Jimmy, the money I pay you doesn’t even change your standard of living. I don’t know why you work for me— but I’m sure glad you do.”
4) There’s a road construction project going on directly in front of my store. They’re digging huge holes and it’s hurting business for me and other store owners. For four years I begged them not to dig us up in May because it’s our best month of the year. They said they wouldn’t— then they dug us up in May.
5) So many of you leave the most incredible comments and send the best notes— and you’re the ones who really make Tumblr fun. And you inspire me to focus more on leaving comments and sending messages. I think that most Tumblrs would agree that one thoughtful comment is worth at least 20 hearts.
6) I also love that many of you catch up on my blog and leave lots of hearts in a row. It tells me, “You’re important enough for me to come directly to your blog and read everything you’ve written since I was last here.”
7) I usually read other people’s blogs the same way as above. If I see one of your posts in my dash or on Facebook and can’t think of what you’ve been up to, lately, then I usually will go catch up on your blog.